I don't think we are in Steamboat anymore!

Originally I had planned to fly home from Colorado on Saturday, February 3, but plans changed quickly on the ski vacation. My mom and mom's niece were going to drive home from Colorado, but an accident on the ski hill prevented that (don't worry, she is alive and okay, just in a knee brace, and it would be a challenge for her to drive home in a car for twenty one plus hours). In a conversation with my mom, we decided it would be best to end our vacation early and start our drive across the country back to Pittsburgh on February 2-4. So off we went, leaving Steamboat, Colorado on February 2 and drove to Hays, Kansas with stops in between for the dog.

In Hays, Kansas, we found ourselves at a hotel and were searching local restaurants when I came across Brick's Rockin BBQ, a local barbecue joint in old town Hays. To honor my father's love for barbecue and non-chain restaurants while traveling, my mom and I decided to try it out. The joint could probably seat thirty people, but there were only two tables filled when we came in around seven thirty pm. Despite the place being out of some ingredients, I was able to have a solid meal of four smoked pork ribs, burnt beef ends, fries, toast, and smoked mac & cheese that I shared with my mother. I also had a Cinnamon Roll alcoholic beverage which contained one ounce Kahlua, three ounces Rumchata, and ice served in a mason jar. My dad would have been so happy at this establishment. He loved authentic barbecue. Over the years traveling, I can name most of the places we have been too for bbq, but for him, nothing could ever match the sauce of Rudy's Barbecue, which he discovered in Austin, Texas.

As I sat across from my mother in this restaurant, all I could think about was how truly blessed we as a family have been since my dad left us. We have been supported and loved by so many people and have enjoyed our lives knowing we have a great guardian angel smiling with us every step of the way. I have an appreciation for knowing what good barbecue is thanks to my father. The ribs were tender and juicy with little fat on them, the fries were thick and salty, the burnt ends (something I have never had before) were crispy and went well with a coating of barbecue sauce. My alcoholic drink was straight liquor and was not the best. I wanted a drink they equated to a root beer float, but they were out of milk and were unable to make it.

Personal Reflection on Grief:

In this process of grief there are a lot of firsts. Driving home from Colorado is a first for me. First vacation, first holiday, first birthday, first sporting event, first day gone by where I didn't call or text, and the first time I came up the stairs and he wasn't staring at his phone on the bed. We were listening to a book on grief on our drive home from Colorado, a book by Megan Devine called "It's Ok to not be Ok", one of the sentences in the book shares that "grief is love, and love is hard". When I think about that message, it makes sense. I loved both my dad and my uncle Tom in every moment of our lives together and love them both even more now, but that love is hard because they are not here to be the recipient of that love. In a song that I hold close to me that sends a similar message is "If you want love" by NF (my favorite rapper/musical artist), he shares "if you want love, you're gonna have to go through the pain", that is similar to the message that I am currently feeling. Devine also writes that there is no right or wrong way to go through the grief journey. There is no pass or fail and no A or F, we get through grief individually, but we share this deep feeling of sadness whoever we are who knew my dad and my uncle Tom.

Devine provides another example of the grief journey in offering the blame game. In processing this book sort of like a book club, my mom and I have been discussing while on the road the book of what we feel vs what we have not felt. My mom personally has not felt any of the blame game in this experience, because she believes in there being a plan and the Lord also grieves when we grieve. I have not avoided blaming, but not blaming anyone in particular, but more so myself for not asking my Uncle Tom if he needed to talk about my dad's passing. My dad's and his friend Mike shared with me "AJ, you talked to him everyday, if he wanted to share with you how he was doing, he would have, you cannot blame yourself for this". I am thankful for that sentiment, because now I no longer feel that blame on this particular instance. I do feel that I am the mole in wack-a-mole where I have been hit on the head with a mallet by an overly obnoxious child at a carnival, in the way that both of these deaths have affected me, one after the other.

I am thankful for the memories and what I am reminded of in the house when I see something or open a drawer and see a mountain of junk, I am reminded of my father and how he was organized in the right places, but not in randomness. In one of the drawers in the cupboard on my dad's side of the bathroom, my dad left a ton of plastic tooth brush travel containers and empty razor boxes. He also left two unopened letters from the financial planning committee from 2015 to let him know his membership was expiring. I was expecting to find a treasure trove of money in this drawer, but instead I found unopened letters asking for renewal fees from 2015 and receipts so old that the writing was worn off. Take a tip from my dad's organizational flaws and leave some money in your junk for your kids to find as a nice surprise. The nice thing about my dad's organization skills was that he must have thought that one day the internet was going to fail us and if it did, he would have copies of everything in the history of his life for us to review at some point. I don't know how long one is supposed to keep files of taxes, but my dad has taxes from his dad's business from the 1990s or earlier. My dad also kept the receipt from the camcorder he bought six days before I was born, That camcorder, we no longer have. Once my mom works through her never ending list, we will have a lot more space in the house and will be able to donate filing cabinets to whoever needs one.

Our process in grief is not an easy one. This is a new experience and journey for my mom and I, and our loved ones who were close to my dad. There is going to be laughter, sadness, frustration, and stress that we will experience in this journey. Having each other and our loved ones, forming bonds with the people closest to us, and remembering the person my dad was will help us get through this journey together. Going to a barbecue place in his honor, gave me a new memory shared with my mother, while we reminisced about my father.

(This photo was taken our last Christmas spent together as a family in Atlanta, Georgia with our good friends).