Never Not Forget Yinz

Cooper Alan recently came out with a song called "Never Not Forget You," but this is the Pittsburgh version of that story for those we have lost in our lives, my personal experiences with loss in the last year. I lost my father a little over a year ago and am approaching one more anniversary for a close family friend who passed just a few weeks after my father.

(Tom and my dad on one of their international golf trips in their natural habitat, a golf course)

The most important lesson I have learned in the past year has been to love the people in your life as much as you can, because you never know when our time is up. Express love to those who are in our lives who are important to us. Friends, family, coworkers, pets, anyone or any pet that makes us smile. Spread love to the people you pass by on the streets, impact someone's life by holding a door open for them, smiling to someone who is frowning. It is the little things in life that we have to do for others because we never know what that person is going through. My dad did that. We were told by people we met in the journey after he left us how he checked in daily with the front desk staff at his office's to make sure they were doing well. Even when he was challenged by others, he responded calmly and lovingly to spread love to strangers. There was a story told to us from a family friend that was the epitome of that, celebrating newly weds, my dad was driving them through their home town in a convertible and honking the horn at people in the streets, and someone told him to be quiet, and he just wished that they would have a good night. My dad checking in on others because that is who he was. Tom being there whenver we needed a smile, when they were together with us, we never didn't have a smile on our faces. They were lights that brightened our lives.

(Skiing in Colorado with Jimbo, Blake, my mom and I; lunch with Bob Haag; my first Steelers game with Mike DeCourcy; climbing with my friend Dr. Greg; a WVU football game with my cousin Carl; and my dad's favorite band's pianist from South Side Johnny with our good friend Mark).

It is not to say that our lights have been dimmed since we lost both Tom and Jim, but as if the light that we had with them here, brightened with all of the friends and family's relationships that got stronger in the past year because of the lives they lived.

Never Not Remember You

Cooper Alan

I found this song after Cooper posted another song for Christmas, reading through the comments someone mentioned that Cooper produced a song that they listen to every day thinking about their loved ones they lost. I had to find it and play it. The words are powerful. Cooper is a very talented country musician, but he blew me away with this song. It has been added to my music library and has been shared with family and friends who've joined us in our grief journey.

The last year I have experienced both sadness and triumph. I have had ups and downs. I have grieved both Tom and my dad. I have had regrets about things that went undone like not spending time with Tom as much as I could have after my father passed. I have had stories told to me about the man Tom was and how he was going to make it his priority to be there for me in my dad's absence. Those stories have made me shed several tears thinking of both of them. I think often about my dad and what we lost when he left us. I think also about Tom, what we had and what we lost when Tom left us, and what we gained from both of these passings. We gained friendships, stronger relationships with our loved ones, and reconnected with others whom we had not been speaking with.

There was an idea from a video on Facebook that I saw prior to my dad passing, which shared that we should save our voicemails from our loved ones, because when they pass, the thing we miss the most, outside of their presence, is their voice. I have a few memorable ones saved that I play every so often. My dad sharing that he accidentally cut through the dog's electric fence while doing yardwork, him calling me to meet him at a different section of the ballpark when he got a seat upgrade against the New York Yankees at the last minute, and just the basic "hey, it's me call me when you get a chance, no rush".

I remember over drinks with my cousin Carl whose bond with me has become incredibly strong since I lost my dad and Tom, Carl has been the rock in the family that I have needed if I have ever needed him, he has been there. His wife Keri, is just the same, and bonding with his son Chuck has been a good experience for me as well, since when they lived in Columbus, Chuck was just starting to talk and walk, and now he is taller than me, and finishing up high school. I would like to grow the relationship I have with their other child, and Keri's favorite Grace, who is off to college and is becoming a successful young writer at Ohio University, she will do great things as a journalist in the very near future. I went to this point, not to explain the phenomenal individuals this part of our family is, but the fact that my cousin Carl has a voicemail from my dad that warms our heart, in his traditional fashions. He shared with me this take of my dad"s "hey Carl, it is your uncle Jim Boughner calling, no rush on getting back to me, I just wanted to review something with you". As if Carl needed any clarification on who it was, and also he made it a priority to return the phone call, because of course it was Uncle Jim calling him.

Carl and I have hung out a lot in the past year, and it has been the world for me, each time I have been around him and his family. I wish we had done this more when they moved to Morgantown when my dad was with us, as there is no excuse for why we couldn't. On this side of the family, there is a closeness because Carl is about 19 years older than me, that he could be a father figure for me now without Tom around either. We even had that discussion at the football game. We just have built a much stronger relationship and I am thankful for that impact he has had on me every day.

We also gained a valuable friend in this experience, I have talked about him before, but he gets a lot of credit for what he has done with us over the past few weeks. I took him to a Steelers game, my first one without my dad, and had been over his house twice for both the Ohio State vs Indiana game and the Ohio State vs Michigan game (yuck on the result), but his and his wife's presence in our lives has been nothing short of a God send.

Those that were close to my father have continued to remain close with us. Growing up, we often had dinner with a family friend who worked at a firm with my dad, and now I continue to meet up with them for lunch and dinners, once every couple of months. They have continued to be a part of our lives and I know it is because of the relationship they had with my dad. One of the hardest things for me in the hospital with my dad was seeing him in the condition he was in, I didn't want to remember him like that, but our friend Jim, spent countless minutes with my dad, sometimes by himself. I often wonder what that experience was like for both my dad, who was listening, and also for Jim. Spending probable last minutes with a close friend of his, who like us, wanted nothing but for him to pull through.

One of the things on my to-do list after Tom passed, when I was ready, was find a new dentist. I spoke to two of Tom's friends, who are brothers, about coming to their practice when I was ready. They weren't accepting new patients when I was, but Dr. John got me in anyways. He and his brother Dave have also helped us in our grief. I appreciate them so much for getting me into their office despite them not accepting patients at the time. Tom had nicknames for everyone, Dr. John's nickname is Danger (despite him not being dangerous at all and in fact being kind, calm, and sometimes shy), Dr. Dave's nickname is Squared, as his initials are DD or D squared. Mike's nickname from Tom was Deacon Blues for an old song by Steely Dan. Tom referred to my dad under a few nicknames, but most importantly he called him Shoes. He called me Junior, and now Mike and I run Tom's fantasy football team under the name Junior Shoes & Deacon Blues.

We have also been surrounded by another close friend of my dad's who growing up, I only knew as "Ticketmaster", I had no idea he had an actual name as a child, and thought he worked for the Ticketmaster website. Ticketmaster also known as Mark and his wife LouAnn have been tremendous additions to our life. Mark helps me with my taxes, and him and his wife are huge Pirates fans.

(Ticketmaster (Mark) on the right, his wife next to him, and my mom and I to wrap out the photo, at the South Side Johnny concert, and Ticketmaster came through with front row seats)

In grieving loss, we have to continue to have the bonds we have had with those closest to our loved ones. We have to make connections with others who had not been as big of a part of our lives that were there for our loved ones when they had them. In listening to voicemails from family friends when they got the news my dad had passed, those were the ones that broke me to my core. The shocked tones in their voices, the sadness, and the continued support for us in our darkest hours. One of the memorable ones is a Thanksgiving voicemail from a friend of my dad's who made me cry with his sentiments for my dad and my mom. My dad's former coworkers and superiors calling us with their shocked tones and telling us they are there for whatever we may need because of the impact my dad made on their lives. Golf buddies after Tom had also passed, knowing how strong my relationship was with Tom being there for me in those moments, to support me. We are foreverly grateful to everyone who supported us then, and supports us now. The same circle of people who we deemed the "Circle of Trust" in the hospital room and the funeral parlor, are all still with us to this day. We are thankful and we feel the love that all of these individuals give us every day and the love they had for those we lost.

Not a day goes by where I do not miss my dad and Tom. I know where they are and I know they are always with us, but sometimes for me, that is not enough. I want them to be here, but God doesn't make mistakes, he needed his taxes done and his teeth cleaned.